Every time I wake up, I have a moment of perfect freedom from my life. It takes a moment to remember who I am, where I’m waking up, what I’m doing with my life, who is important to me, and what problems are currently unresolved.
As I rebuild all of these details in my working memory, sometimes I feel myself energized and can’t help but get out of bed and get my life moving again.
Other times, that peaceful, empty place is quickly filled with the sadness or frustration that weighed on my mind as I tried falling asleep. For my own safety, I feel like running from my thoughts and sheltering myself with a distraction. Though, it is at times like this that it’s hardest to engage my mind with something else.
There are also times, I suppose, when I wake up feeling neither excitement or anxiety, but that doesn’t happen often anymore. When it does, those are the times when I can roll back over and continue sleeping.
The goal of meditation, from what I’ve gathered, is to allow yourself to slip into that moment of freedom. I’ve never had much luck with meditation, but at times I have tried and found myself in a place of mental release, experiencing my own existence, without the tumult that typically fills my head.
I used to think that at some point in my life I would “arrive,” and finally enjoy a comforting consistency to the experience of waking up. Now it seems that life will continue to be unpredictable. The more I find myself excited and engaged with my life one day, the deeper the feeling of regret and anxiety will be another.